The Vegan Showdown: Why Plants Hate Us (and Other Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Your Food)
The Vegan Showdown: Why Plants Hate Us (and Other Fun Facts You Didn’t Know About Your Food)
Controversial title, I know. This will ruffle some feathers. Grab a seat, maybe a drink (if it’s carnivore-friendly, of course), and let’s talk plants. Or more specifically, why plants hate us. You heard me right. They don’t just mildly dislike us; they’re not fans of being eaten by humans at all.
So the other day, I’m scrolling through the good ol’ interwebs and came across a video by Dr Rob Cywes—brilliant dude, love his approach. He’s on this epic rant about vegans and their love for all things green and leafy, and it got me thinking: How did we end up with this idea that eating plants is so essential for us humans?
Bitter Brussels and the Plant Revolution
Remember Brussels sprouts back in the day? Those bitter little cabbages that mom forced on us? Well, turns out those bad boys have had quite the makeover. Thanks to some mad-scientist botanist in the 90s, Brussels sprouts went from bitter to sweet, because, well, apparently even vegetables need a glow-up these days.
Now they’re Instagram-worthy roasted, tossed in olive oil, and sprinkled with bacon bits. But it wasn’t always like that. In the wild, most plants are trying to kill us. Yep, they’re full of toxins, poisons, and other stuff that makes your digestive system throw up the white flag. Yet here we are, eating vegetables and claiming it’s the key to long life and six-pack abs. What gives?
Your Kale and Broccoli? Yeah, That’s Just Fancy Cabbage
Let’s break it down for a minute: All those “superfoods” vegans love—kale, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts—they all come from one plant. ONE. PLANT. Meet “cabeza,” wild cabbage’s cooler, wilder ancestor. You wouldn’t even recognise this bad boy in the wild. It’s been hybridised, manipulated, and turned into a leafy green Frankenstein, all in the last few thousand years. So while your vegan friend is praising the virtues of their kale smoothie, just remind them they’re drinking liquified cabbage—a plant that never wanted to exist in the first place.
Humans: Designed for Steak, Not Salad
The truth is, we’re not plant eaters. Our ancestors weren’t wandering around, munching on kale and quinoa. They were eating animals—glorious, fatty animals. Our brains are made of fat. Our bodies thrive on protein. And our digestive systems? Not designed to handle the cellulose in plants, unlike those four-stomach-having cows. We evolved to hunt, gather, and—wait for it—eat meat.
I wrote another Carnivore Chronicle about this. Once you’re done reading this one, check it out here.
Vegans, Meet the Botany of Desire
Before you get dragged into another debate about “why plants are the future” at your next dinner party, arm yourself with some knowledge. Check out The Botany of Desire, a documentary by Michael Pollan (yep, the guy who also wrote a book about it). It’ll blow your mind how recent and unnatural our relationship with plants really is. Spoiler alert: they’re pretty, they smell good, but they weren’t designed to feed us.
Meatless Meat? Let’s Not Even Go There
Remember when the world went nuts over meatless burgers? Pink slime marketed as the savior of the planet? Well, it tanked—hard. You know why? Because we’re not supposed to eat pink slime, no matter how many celebrity endorsements it gets. Our bodies just don’t work that way. We’re designed for real food—like animals that roam the land, not some soy-based science experiment.
The Truth Hurts
So next time someone’s pushing their plant-based agenda, just ask them this: How can it be the perfect human diet if the plants they’re eating didn’t even exist a few generations ago? I mean, we’re talking about a species that didn’t evolve with kale smoothies and quinoa salads. Let’s face it: We’re built for meat (read more here). And the sooner we all accept that, the better.
Patrick
Your Resident Meat Maestro 🥩🎯
Related Carnivore Chronicles
You’ve made it this far—why stop now? Dive into these juicy Caveman Diaries that’ll keep your carnivore game strong. Whether you’re here for tips, tricks, or a good laugh at those “plant-based” myths, we’ve got you covered. Grab your steak, sit back, and enjoy the ride!
Oh, and while you’re at it, why not share this chronicle with your mates?
Hit Me Up – Let’s Get You Back in the Game!
Tired of feeling blah and ready to feel fit, healthy, and confident again? Shoot me a message, and let’s talk about how my carnivore and fitness coaching can help you crush your goals. This is your chance to start a real transformation – let’s make it happen together.
